i think often how there’s a direct correlation between a woman’s ability to find financial freedom and the divorce rate of a country. how the leading factor that makes people in abusive situations stay is because of financial control. i think about the life my ancestors lived, and how they’re thrown in my face time and time again. people ask: why can’t real love like that exist anymore? why aren’t people just happy with who they choose. marriage is work, i’m reminded, and these couples found ways to work through.
oh, i’m sure true love existed before me and will exist after my light snuffs out. but i also know for every story about how wonderful it all turned out, there’s another one sitting at the bottom of a river, full of rot.
i think about how divorce rates are seen as a failure of society. how recently that rate been going down, markedly. i think about how somehow it seems shameful to say our divorce rate reached 50%, right around the same time birth control became prevalent. and i think about these things and how they link hands, how maternity leave effects job opportunities, how money forces people to stay in a family, how the spike in divorces correlates so strongly to women in the work force getting their foot in.
oh, i know it’s not always the case. but did you know millennials are getting married at a much slower pace? oh, it might be nothing, but now women are a majority in college, are silently and slowly equalizing the workforce. it’s easier now than ever for women to choose work first. she is no longer her husband’s property. her property is now hers, not her family’s. you know only a few generations ago that would have been an impossibility.
someone tells me love is dead. “there’s no more longterm love like in the 50′s”. i don’t know about that. i see plenty of happy. it’s just that sometimes happiness looks more like leaving.
i’m sick of all this “popular jock has crush on nerd he beats up” do you know what i want. i want a stereotypically popular cheerleader who has a crush on the weird girl who’s always studying and who her friends make fun of and who she always catches glancing at her in the hallway and who’s at the top of their class and who’s always picked last in gym and whose glasses are broken during dodgeball and who comes to one of the football games just to see her cheer and who asks her if she wants to go to mcdonalds after the game and who kisses her after sharing a large soda and medium fries
the true high school experience
™
is learning that “lol i didn’t study” means anything from “i literally did not pick up a pen” to “i studied So Much but i dont wanna sound like a dick about it”
phrases like “you don’t owe anyone anything” and “relationships aren’t transactional” have the power to be used in ways that are very backwards and harmful
for example, no you don’t owe anyone anything in that if some creep is trying to get with you, you can block him without feeling bad. you don’t owe kindness to people who are transphobic or racist or bigoted.
but, you can’t use this as an excuse to fuck over people who have helped you. “you don’t owe anyone anything” isn’t an excuse to allow yourself to forget compassion and basic empathy, it isn’t an excuse for you to be an asshole just because you find it easier to be one
relationships aren’t transactional in that if your partner does something nice for you, you are indebted to them. they do these things because they love you; it is their choice to express love through these gestures
but they are transactional in that you both actively need to be putting time and care into the relationship. ignoring the dynamic of one person caring too much (and putting in excessive (emotional an literal) work and labor) while the other does nothing isn’t healthy. one person can’t solely take and the other person can’t solely give- that’s dangerous, and you can’t put the bandaid of “this isn’t transactional” over a relationship that is draining you in all capacities
i’m tired of seeing these things being misconstrued and used as an excuse to hurt people, while framing it as a way of taking care of yourself
